15 Ways to Spice Up the Impeachment Trial

Words by Lourd de Veyra

Art by War Espejo

But the question is: Who else appreciates this much-touted afternoon telenovela/soap opera/ sitcom? The media? People whose toes curl upon hearing the words “purport,” “impugn,” “moto propio,” “manifest,” and “ad testificandum?” The senator-judges always like to say that this impeachment is for the Filipino people. Fuckit. I am a tax-paying member of the Philippine populace and I do not deserve to be bored. Here is a list of suggestions to liven up the impeachment, which, by the way, is funded in part by you and me, much to my endless annoyance.

2. TRANSFORM THE DEBATE INTO RAP

Think Fliptop or Slam poetry or epic rap battles. I.e.

CUEVAS: “Yo, check it … Congressman Tupas/ Makinig ka, batang Hudas/ Nagtuturo na ako ng batas/ Habang lola mo’y umiinom pa ng gatas/ Nung pinanganak nanay mo ab initio/ Consti na ang aking bisyo/ Kaya ipasak na up your rectum/ Yang subpoena duces tecum.”

TUPAS:  “Hoy, Justice Cuevas/ Malapit ka nang kumupas/ Dakdak ka na lang parate/ Pero amoy ka nang bulate/ Batas nga ang iyong buhay/ Pero tinatawag ka na ng hukay.”

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